Footstepsonmyheart’s Weblog

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Thanks for all the LOVE

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 28, 2009

Truthfully you all make me cry, I can feel the support through the miles and even the “coldness” that comes through being online. Gabriel is the absolute easiest baby that ever entered our home. He is peaceful, quiet, and easy to smile-he can also appear oh so serious almost with a worried expression. He is very alert taking everything in. The agency experience was absolutely amazing. I don’t have time or I’d write more. πŸ™‚

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PICTURES!!!

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 28, 2009

Our “good” camera that has failed usΒ  TWICE once at Evertt’s finalization and then again on placement day it decided to go on the fritz again, I’m starting to think the camera is possessed by the devil. Anyway we had our emergency digital that we took just in case-so glad we did. The quality isn’t what I like 😦 but the memories are saved forever which is the whole idea I suppose.

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At the agency about 3o minutes after we met, I had time to fix my make-up smeared down my face :).

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James wouldn’t let him go for awhile so I had to snap some pictures, Gabriel has a way of looking at you so intently. James says “it’s like he’s looking into your soul” and it really is.

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Oops my amazing computer skills are shining again, sorry this is sideways-this was the first time Everett even looked at Gabriel. Now he thinks it’s his job to feed all bottles. πŸ™‚ I’m usually holding the baby but we let him do this one mostly by himself with mom right there to help if needed.

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This is what many of our bottle feeding times look like. He wants to help but he’s not going to ooh and ahh over baby Gabriel. Oh Everett…I’ll write more about how it’s going later i.e. we have much adjusting to do but we will get there.

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If it were up to Cady she wouldn’t let him go, that “worried” look on his face is so funny. He keeps it on almost constantly unless he is smiling-which is often- he just get’s so darn interested in the camera a smile is hard to catch. That and he is already turning into a mama’s boy when he sees me he thinks I need to be holding him :)!

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The quality on this is awful 😦 but I love this picture! Everett picked out the book aside from Thomas books this is his favorite we’ve been reading/bonding often together. I love the way Gabriel is looking at me while I read-I’m a huge advocate for early reading!!!Β  Cady took the pictures and she snapped about 10, in all of them Gabriel is either looking at the book or right at my face. He’s AMAZING and did I tell you the EASIEST baby I’ve EVER taken care of, out of all of my children and even those foster children including the angel baby John-he is by far the easiest.

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Everett and Gabriel in the co-sleeper. Moments of sweetness until utter ignoring of his brother πŸ™‚ we’ll take what we can get even if it’s because he adores having his picture taken and posing for photos. My “diva” little boy Everett.

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We have our baby!

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 26, 2009

I don’t have a lot of time to write-up for a middle of the night feedng and at least I can breathe for a minute. We had a wondrful experience with the agency-I’ll write about it in more detail when I can and post pictures :). He is PERFECT and if you can imagine even more adorable in real life, he smiles and coos and hardly ever cries. He wakes up once for a bottle about this time but goes right back to sleep until about 8 AM. I’ve never had a 2 month old sleep that well.

Everett wouldn’t even look at him when we brought him home, not when Gabriel “gave” him his present….but things turned around later Saturday afternoon and at least he acknowledged his presence then he helped feed him a bottle which he now thinks his his job exclusively. We are having some major regression and 2 year old tantrumming. Anyway I think it’s going to take some time and extra love but he’ll come around.Gotta get some sleep…I want to write it all :)!

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“I don’t like baby!”

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 22, 2009

He finally verbalized it, yes, that’s right Everett doesn’t want the baby. I knew it was bothering him all this talk about a baby, all the gifts and baby clothes being pulled out and the fuss….it took away form his spotlight. He’s held this light for a very long time and he is not happy about giving it up. I did as Lorie suggested, and while it didn’t change his behavior (regressive to 2 year old tantrums every 5 minutes AACCKK!!!) it did allow him to FINALLY verbalize what was wrong. “I don’t like baby! I don’t want baby!” was screamed over and over again yesterday morning. Now this is the little boy who adores all babies, in a sweet unusual way and never once showed any real jealousy towards baby Maya. He is also very sweet with small children/toddlers. He allows them to take his toys even when it really really really bothers him, why? Why isn’t he like other children his age and go and grab that toy back or hit the child or push the child down? I don’t know. Other then a few moments of him being “normal” when things like this happen he seems to be overly sensitive and allow other children to bully him. It’s made me sad, how much can mommy intervene in situations like this before its not healthy? Anyway I wonder if he is worried he’ll have to give up all of his toys and freedom to baby? I feel that while he may not be thinking THIS deep it is worrying him substantially. I think when baby brother gets here he will adore him so long as we play our cards right. I already have several really cool presents picked out for Everett (things he ADORES at OT/PT that I keep meaning to purchase but then never get around to it). So we’ll see, I’ll be holding my breath. I also did something right after he said “I don’t want baby!” Since he’s been regressing I said “why don’t you be the baby.” I wrapped him up in his blanket really tight (this is good for his sensory issues anyway) and I put him in the baby crib. He was so funny heΒ  really got into this whole pretending to be baby. He talked like a baby (not cute when you are 3) but it was still funny. He layed there like he was a baby with a grin from ear to ear. Then I dressed him on the baby changing table cooing and talking to him like he was a baby. I felt like an idiot but he really thought it was cool. I let him sleep in the co-sleeper one night only he wanted to get in and once he did and I let him (I hadn’t told him he couldn’t) he got right out and snuggled next to me in bed. After this baby treatment his acting out has been significantly better. I have to wonder if this goes back to attachment issues? His anger and frustration was directed right at ME, he was being an angel for DH and for everyone else. Anyway whatever it was seems to have passed (crossing fingers) I will look for the jealousy monster to re-appear when Gabriel is home but I plan on making sure Everett feels just as loved and special as he always has and that is is very involved in the care of his brother.

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Pictures of my baby!

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 19, 2009

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Taken last night 4/18/09

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Easter pictures-don’t think he cared for the bunnies πŸ™‚

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Angel foster mom said he loves to watch his hands :).

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I love baby feet-check out the chubby legs (I love those too :)!)

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Gabriel at 4 days old-home from the hospital.

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OMGOSH, that doesn’t have the same affect does it?

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 18, 2009

Warning, this is my spiritual journey-skip to last paragraph if you don’t want to read about that part of our journey :).

Weird…but I was putting all that pink girly stuff away and happy to do it, still, and this is INSANE I know there is an Emma out there….one at a time Lori, one at a time :)-and trust me I’m sticking to that motto. I know I’m weird but I also felt strongly for several months something was blocking her, like in the way, and it was frustrating….I thought I was doing something wrong or worse I had lost forever this beautiful little girl I had felt distinctly and strongly. I had no idea that it was a SURPRISE-a miracle-a baby boy-a peaceful QUIET soul, so quiet it was hard to hear or feel him or know he was coming.

So my baby Gabriel this is a longish story, but I have a minute so I”m sharing. Rewind several years ago to the weekend Denny love left (my first long term foster child who was with me for 8 months-thought I would die of a broken heart and that day I decided I didn’t want any other children I only wanted him back and that was not to be so I was done with foster, I was done with adoption….life would be okay with just my girls and James and I.) I was dragged against my will to this “thing” called “Time Out for Women” by my MIL and guess who was there? Singer song writer to “From God’s Arms to My Arms to Yours.” I was sobbing from beginning to end of this event, not just that song, but several songs and things were said, it seemed that EVERYONE kept talking about adoption! This was NOT the topic of discussion-it was making time for yourself as a women, but my God if not everyone was telling stories about adoption, random inspiring spiritual stories. At first it was grating on my nerves but then I realized…hey Lori pay attention the universe is trying to talk to you. My resolves softened. I mean really I was DONE that weekend with the whole adoption idea, I shut it down and I would have stuck to it for awhile maybe forever if not for this 6 hour “Time Out for Women.”Β  There was a song I sang at my brother’s funeral that I sang just for my brother titled “You’re Not Alone” by singer song writer, his amazing son who was in NYC on Broadway/off Broadway performing sang it, he looked right at me almost the entire song. I of course was dripping snot and sobbing hysterically. It was very healing and cathartic for me because I avoided that song from age 17 until then, I thought it would hurt too much to hear that song again, not that I hadn’t or that there weren’t times I had listened to it on purpose, but 99% of the time I avoid that song. When he got to my favorite adoption song I felt the distinct feeling that my “son” was around me trying to whisper comfort letting me know he would come and that everything would work out. It was a calm feeling of pure love and that feeling of despair and aching sadness lifted during that moment. I always assumed that feeling was Everett, but it wasn’t until last week as I was praying/meditating/thinking I realized Everett was already 6 months old and I’d felt Everett and this spirit (whatever you want to call it) felt “older” I don’t know how else to explain-he didn’t come across child like at all. I know this is out there, I dont’ even share this with my friends/family except for VERY close 2 friends. But I feel anonymous…so I am cause what are you guys going to do? Think I’m crazy-I’m okay with that :). My mom is what some people would call psychic. I AM NOT, but certain things I feel and when I do I know it’s real. I know that I feel my children, I’ve felt every one of them from Mikayla on down but I don’t tell people this. Still they are why I’m on this adoption journey and it is how I find my children and know they are mine. I don’t think God puts kids into horrible situations for ME, but my feeling was that this is how they chose to come. I don’t know why-maybe they are amazing-they are! That’s my thought.

As we went through last weekend we both prayed, fasted, and I went to a very special place that I find peace to pray and just concentrate on the answers. I felt distinctly that Emma was around me telling me she wanted to come first but that “we” thought you would forget about Gabriel, and that it was her choice to wait for awhile out of love for her brother. I felt the impression that we should give him my Grandfather’s name as a middle name but that his first name was okay to pick on our own. I love my grandpa but his name or the idea of naming my children after him is notΒ  something I’veΒ  once felt for any of our children or at any time in my life, not when I was prego and we thought we might be having a boy or when I knew I would have Everett. And the reason I felt this name had to do with his peaceful, kind, and loving nature-just as my Grandpa had lived his life. After that experience I knew on Monday we would say yes-I also knew this meant I was saying yes to having (EVENTUALLY-I’m not completely INSANE) 2 more children because miss Emma is very real. I felt so good about it in my place of peace about this plan, but as soon as I left I had a major anxiety freak out. For one I felt like racing to get what I felt was “my son” and kicking myself for not knowing it was him and long ago turning control over to God, I mean the day DH and I did this we got “the call” for our son. I was worried sick we wouldn’t get him. After all I had told the worker to let us think about it over the weekend by the time Saturday afternoon was over I felt strongly this was my child. He is very low risk on the special needs at risk spectrum in many ways he doesn’t much belong in the program they put him in. Anyway I got home (keep in mind my husband was pushing himself at the idea of 4 children and I KNEW for a fact he would NEVER EVER EVER want 5, trust me it was not going to happen). Walked through the door and told him what I felt just about the baby boy not about Emma. He hugged me and said “so I guess we are going to have 5 children.” I’m standing there still freaking out about the idea and he is smiling from ear to ear. He had felt the same type of answer while I was away.

Foster mommy of our Gabriel is supposed to be sending me email pictures either one of two things have happened, #1 she misunderstood my email #2 she hasn’t had time because she sounds like the most amazing foster mom on the planet and is holding and loving my son :)! I spent about an hour on the phone talking to our foster mom/angel. I got to hear my baby boy coo, and whimper a little.I cried. When the SW called me this afternoon I cried. I cried when I told my mom, when I told James….all happy tears. I am going to go insane before next Friday πŸ™‚ it’s a good thing I have so much to keep me busy-I can’t wait to hold my baby boy. Everett is going to get a lot of extra love, he’s had a few days of mommy worrying and he can sense that. He is going to LOVE having a brother!!! I am sooooo excited for them to have each other, this is a big reason Gabriel’s birth mom chose us, she wanted her son to have a big brother like Everett :). She’s a smart lady-and she doesn’t even know the capacity my Everett has to love-he is amazing with other children. He may be big and loud and boisterous and busy but he is kind and gentle when he plays (well apart from all that sand throwing he did at play group today ;)) I can’t wait to see them together. WOW! It’s amazing and I have a whole week….to wait and be grateful.

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It’s REAL!!!

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 17, 2009

We will be bringing our baby home one week from today! His birth mother chose us and signed her consent for us to adopt him. I have a million things to do but I’m sure the wait will drive me bonkers. I’m hoping to get some more pictures from his fabulous interim foster mommy! πŸ™‚ When I do I’ll be putting them up.

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She liked us :)

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 17, 2009

Our potential birth mom has unofficially chosen us as the adoptive parents for her baby boy. They didn’t want her to sign until she had time to think about it but she is scheduled to sign the paperwork tomorrow morning. We should know by noon if we are going to be picking up our baby boy or not!

She has decided she doesn’t want to meet us :(. I was told there is a lot of “shame” involved. It makes me cry to think this is the reason why but they don’t want to push her.

So baby’s name. (if it all works out) His first name will be Gabriel but we’ll call him Gabe. His birth mom really wanted to keep her grandfathers name as part of his name.Β  I’d already felt (during prayer/meditation) this past weekend of giving him my Grandpa’s name. I feel badly giving a baby 2 middle names but in one way I think that it’s awesome-birth mom wanted him to have part of her family, the one person who was loving and kind to her, and I wanted him to have the name of man who was calm, peaceful, and loving. It’s also my brother’s name who is also calm and peaceful-with my amazingly wonderful and HUGE spirited Everett I need a calm baby :)!

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Baby by next Friday

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 15, 2009

If everything continues to move in this direction it looks as if we will have our baby boy by next Friday!!! We will also have the open adoption that I had always dreamed about having. We won’t know for sure until Friday when she finalizes the paperwork. Even though its not for sure yet I have a pretty good feeling that we will have our baby boy very soon not just in my head but by what the social worker is telling me and by how things are headed.

Everett is giving me some major acting out, I don’t know if he understands fully what is going on but he gets that something is up and that there will be a baby. Any hints or ideas? Please leave in comments-I’m all ears. My girls were so spread out sibling rivalry was not an issue until they were older and that is different, also with Maya Everett as much younger and all he knew is that he loved having somebody around other then himself to play with. He’s much more attached at the idea of being the baby, center of attention, etc.

I am frantically getting ready for a baby boy. πŸ™‚ having given away all of Everett’s boy clothes-and I buy the good stuff-gah! I’m kicking myself pretty hard. I also gave away all newborn baby boy stuff from when we were foster parents, I didn’t have much that did not already go back with them. Still there were SOME things like a bundle me in NEW condition, I’m really kicking myself for that one. The good news is that I HAVE The basics like the infant car seat, the co-sleeper, the changing table, bottle/feeding system….so I just need the basics to keep me going until I FORCE somebody to give me a baby shower

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Spring break, oh and a baby on the way….maybe!!!

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on April 14, 2009

There are still a few steps left but…I think that we will have a baby boy very soon!!! πŸ™‚ I am in the middle of trying to get things squared away with the adoption agency, talking to our Pediatrician, getting paperwork done…..on top of having all the kids home for spring break and our normal family madness. I will know for sure on Thursday what, where and when….keep in mind this still may fall through and not work out but things are looking more and more positive that we will have a baby soon!

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