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Archive for November, 2008

dream

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 26, 2008

I am frustrated I can’t post any pictures of our adoption and party. Our camera was sent in for repairs and the few we were able to take before the camera died are safely on the cards in the camera-will post as soon as I have it in my hands. ūüė¶ I was promised a CD of pics from my MIL but she has been super busy. Anyway that is why there has been no big post about our adoption party-and pictures.

 

I am not feeling that we will be getting a call soon. I know I know, sounds so opposite of what I felt before. I dont’ know what happened. I lost that feeling of urgency. Maybe its because everything is done and in place and all the wheels are set in motion for Emma to come to our family and fate is taking over-nothing more for me to do.

 

Everett has been amazing. I don’t know if its his therapy, or its because I am not stressed anymore and even though I tried not to let it show I think kids sense those things. I always knew when my parents were stressed even if they didn’t say anything.¬†My theory is that a small part of his soul knows he is part of our family, permanent and he won’t be leaving EVER.¬†¬†The negative behavior has all but disappeared and he behaves like an average 2 year old. Everyone in our life has commented on it. His therapist said he could cycle so I won’t be suprised if he does.

 

Mikayla went to a HUGE meet-her first in a year due to them all being on Sunday. She took 2nd overall and placed in every event. It was a big deal, last year we went and she walked away without anything. She was okay with that. She was absolutely overjoyed with what happened. They bumped her up a level! Her¬†best friend from the same gym took first. The other gymnastics moms were being snarky about it and I think they wanted them moved up to give their daughters a better opportunity to medal, whatever the reason she is ecstatic. The only problem this is even more time at the gym-a lot more time. I honestly, and I mean this, do not know how I am going to do this. ūüė¶¬† We did it this week but at a cost. Mikayla is doing fine in school (high honor roll) and is still able to be in jazz band and marching band, music her other love. I had to take the girls out of piano there simply was no way to fit it in. Oh and she sprained her ankle fairly bad last night. DH didn’t even tell me…..I was asleep when they got home and when I woke up she couldn’t walk. Men… she is fine I took her in and it was just a sprain, they referred her to a sports Dr. She insisted on going to the gym anyway promising me she would stay off of her foot and just to bars. I go to pick her up tonight and she is leaping around with her air cast on all over the floor smiling from ear to ear, favoring her foot but¬†NOT staying off of it.¬†I pulled her coach aside asked if Mikayla had told her she was supposed to stay off of her foot. Of course not…….she got in trouble w/ her coach and her mom. But she said it wasn’t hurting so bad…that girl. If it happens again I will march in and instruct her coach to keep her off of it.

 

A few nights ago I had the sweetest dream with a smiling angel baby girl. Very real. She was on her tummy lifting her head and grinning from ear to ea, trying to giggle, like when a baby is first learning to laugh. I was playing with her in my dream. the entire family was there enjoying the moment. She had long dark straight hair and lighter skin then Everett, wearing a white pajama sleeper, she was really long-she seemed to be about 4 months old in my dream.¬† It was the smile I remembered most. I have been very distracted all week long, not really thinking about her, the process or adoption. It was a sweet reminder. “hey, I’m coming…..”

So James called me today from work. We had talkeda bout this but decided not to because I didn’t want to leave our baby and I felt she would be here soon. He was okay with this but now that baby is not here and has no notion of showing any time in the very near future…¬†Dh wants to go with me for a week this winter to Florida for his Veterinary conference. I am/was very hesitant but I’m thinking I will go? I don’t know. We really need this time. We have a solid marriage, thats not an issue. But we haven’t had a lot of¬†time alone. Its work and then kid time-there is no we. We try to spend¬†time together but it never ends up working out. I miss him, I know he misses me. The problem is that if¬†our baby is here how will I leave her? Can I¬†even do that? I have never left one of my babies for a week. Its hard enough to think about leaving Everett for a week. It almost¬†gives me panick attacks. I know I am unbalanced w/ this devotion to my kids. I could easily leave Mikayla and Cady because they are older.¬†The problem is I do feel this may be¬†hurting my marriage….. My mom would fly out, she already agreed to it and¬†she is the next best thing to me. She loves¬†every bit of being a Grandma and is¬†more capable then I am with most things i.e. cooking :).¬†¬†I’m going to ask our adoption placing SW if this is something that would not be good. I was thinking we would bring the baby with us. I talked with Dh about this and he really was hoping we could truly relax sans kids, things like amusement park, snorkling, swimming with dolphins. *sigh* this is hard for me. I feel torn. The other part is that we may NOT have our baby. I am still having a hard time thinking of leaving Everett, however! ūüė¶ Think seperation anxiety/panick attacks. I’ve never been good about leaving my children.

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I second the “where is my baby!!!”

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 19, 2008

I really felt that Emma was coming and now I’m feeling rather let down. It didnt’¬†help that I got a call for what I felt was the “perfect” exact situation we were open to…..oh my I did let myself get my hopes up for that baby girl.¬†There was some hesitation on my part but not much guarding. I will be more careful¬†with future calls.¬†

 

Perhaps, and I know may sound totally crazy, but I had felt Emma around so clearly for such a long time that when she was gone I thought, okay she is here (born),¬†but perhaps her soul is now in utero and¬†that is why I don’t feel her?¬† I dunno. Its driving me a little nuts. We shouldn’t hear from our worker for at least a month. They have no babies facing that 4 week revocation period so…..I have at least 4 more weeks of waiting. Considering how long other adoptive couples wait I realize this is nothing and I need to get over it. Its the not knowing, the not feeling this sweet angel girl around me that is driving me a bit bananas. I do know when I hold our baby for the first time I won’t care about the time I had to wait and the confusion of not knowing when she would come. It won’t matter then. So I’m trying to distract myself. Being so impatient.

I really loved what my sweet friend Lorie wrote today-I’ve actually been cyber stalking her blog because I need to know I’m not alone in my impatient wait.¬† I struggle with the idea that a family is going to be seperated even if it is because of drug addiction. It still feels so sad to me. What she wrote today was so sweet.

“So to India‚Äôs birthmother. I pray that you are peaceful, that you a protected and loved‚Ķ.that when you have healed you¬†will¬†want and will have a relationship with your child. Understand that as you release your child to God, and walk along your path of healing‚ĶI will hold our child in love and light and raise her well‚Ķto see the beauty in all things‚Ķand I promise when she sees you again‚Ķit will be with the eyes of love and understanding‚Ķshe will bring you healing‚Ķand love, our family will‚Ķbecause we are hope.”

I am trying to distract myself with my kiddoes, easily done but there is an ache that is hard to ignore. Everett had a very off time 2 weeks before the adoption. I joked that it was a test-as if he could. He has been an angel since the adoption ceremony ended. Sort of funny….. His OT/PT thought it was the time change, I’m sure she is right.¬†Since Friday morning he has been an angel. Oh but he¬†is adorable. I love him. I find myself staring at him random moments during the day and realizing he is my son, forever. Gratitude and joy are with me all day. I’ve notcied James relaxed so much more. I think the stress was underlying everything w/o us even being aware of it. I see Everett snuggling more with his dad, does he know that something significant has changed? He’s always been sucha mamma’s boy.

 

I began to write a short story while Everett has been napping the past few days.¬†I¬†haven’t written anything since college and never just for¬†fun. Distracting me enough to keep me from getting the baby clothes out again and again-oh I am so there Lorie! ¬†

 

Speaking of distractions I think I hear my favorite little man up from nap time and ready for a snack.

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Not meant to be…

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 17, 2008

Before I got the chance to call and tell the SW we wanted our profile to be shown I got a call. The mother has talked with her family and her parents¬†have decided to parent the baby girl. I am not sad, disapointed but not sad. It just means this wasn’t meant to be. Our baby will find us. SW said that it may be several weeks before I hear from her again :(. That is the hardest part for me, I don’t want to wait. She said she never knows…we’ll see.

 

Oh and our camera decided to die this weekend. I will be updating with pictures as soon as I get them from my MIL and SIL who took several for us.

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Maybe Baby update

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 16, 2008

I had a call from the agency SW to give her a call after getting home from adopting Everett on Friday. This happened to be our only down time that day and ended up being perfect time to get some things moving. Baby girl had a Doctor appointment on Friday. SW wanted to let me know all about it and called as soon as she heard how it went. ūüôā I can’t tell you how¬†happy that made me. I know it was silly….it was only so I could update our Pediatrician. But it gave me that connection to her on Friday, such a special day. To know this baby girl who could be a forever member of our family in the very near future is doing well, melted my heart…I can’t¬†help it.¬†She has been such a little peanut they have been worried about her. She didnt’ gain weight the first 2 weeks. Then she started gaining but not fast enough for them. However, today she was up to 8 lbs 5 oz, which is about what my kiddoes weighed at birth and they were all chubbers after a few weeks, I know for a fact Everett was as well-she’s “tiny”. Her head also grew, good news. She is¬†“healthy” but I was told this doesn’t mean anything at this point…this worker is¬†trying to paint worst case scenerio, I love her for that but want to tell her its not necessary. We understand the risks. She also stressed we may not be the family picked by this mother and that mom may not choose adoption.

 

So Friday afternoon we¬†faxed baby girls health information to our Pediatrician and spoke with our attorney so we should be able to say a deffinate “yes we want to be shown on Monday” just as¬†soon as I talk to our Pediatrician.¬†

 

This certainly is not like foster care¬† “we have a baby, we will be there in a few hours.” No this is very very different. This is S-L-O-W. But then I won’t have the unknown. I will know she is “ours”. What a difference that makes. The not having her in my arms I will admit,¬†Its driving me crazy but it is what it is. I understand why and I’ll go along. I just ache for her, you know-the feeling that 2 weeks ago was that she is wondering where we are.¬†This started before I got the first call-that there may be a baby, before I got the 2nd call with all the information,¬† I want to hold her and be the one taking care of her, not a foster family, as wonderful as I’m sure they are. Driving me a little bit crazy.

Right now she is somebody else’s baby girl and I respect that.¬†¬† I can’t say¬† for sure what her mom will decide, are we the right family for her? Is there somebody else that she will choose? Will she choose adoption in the end? I realize¬†I could be wrong when it comes to my feeling,¬†Decisions. It will work out. The right baby will find us if this isn’t her.¬†SW was very very very clear with me about this-don’t go googo gagga over baby.¬†She won’t even send us a picture (although telling us she is “beautiful”) she doesn’t want us to get “attached”…its just not to that point yet I am told.¬†A lot more has to happen.

 

I know that don’t get too worried about me. I will be okay if this doens’t work out. I’ve had 8 babies leave my arms, some after months of loving.¬†I can do just about anything after that-this would be a walk in the park in comparison.

 

From what I understand from the very detailed history given to me (an hour on the phone)¬†if mom decides she wants to parent¬†the best interest of this baby girl would be to remain in foster care until and if her mom could get her life together. From what I understand Mom doesn’t feel capable of changeing her lifestyle. I don’t feel comfortable¬†sharing all the history until this is more permanent but mom did want adoption-I can only imagine how difficult this is. I think she knows this is¬†what is best for her baby but, wow, the quanandrum and the pain. I don’t know¬†how one gets through this w/o it ripping their soul. No matter how drug addicted or how badly choices have affected them.¬†So I’m praying for her, thank you¬†for those who have offered the same.¬†This agency¬†encourages mom’s to parent if at all possible, they¬†are awesome that way. In this¬†situation they¬†are not pushing for parenting. 65% of the mom’s who come to them end up parenting. I think that says it all for this program.

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Deep joy

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 15, 2008

Today was a day I will never forget. What a beautiful blessing adoption is, specifically foster adoption. We got to be in a room full of parents adopting 30 beautiful children. The room was full of love and beauty. I saw older couples adopting, I saw families like ours, I saw single moms, I saw gay mommies and daddies-all of us beaming with the miracle that is adoption. I saw teenage children, that was something to see, a family for the first time in what I imagine has been a long time coming, I saw children around my daughters age, I saw toddlers like Everett, there was even a set of triplets, a beautiful baby girl that reminded me of Maya…..oh it was amazing. Everett figured out we were trapped and he could do pretty much what he wanted w/o a time out. Smart boy. He was good for the most part…but he’s two. An hour is impossibly long to sit.¬†Then we got to be infront of our judge. We were given a huge gift basket. Everett decided to pick that very moment to start a melt down. He wanted to get down and run around, afterall he had been sitting for an hour already!!! Come on mom and dad let me go…….there we were the TV crew was setting up to film our adoptiion moment and he was pitching a big one -tv film crew leaves :). While the judge was talking and were trying to answer. Thankfully a nice lady pulled out a basketball from his gift basket (I had tried other things), this worked instantly. He then had to also hold the teddy bear and the Linus blanket another nice woman gave us.¬†And of course I cried, even when he was being 2 years old-I wouldn’t have him any other way. ¬†All of our extended family who lives near us was there, there were a lot of happy tears.

 

Then we went out to eat and the restaraunt manager heard about our adoption day and gave us free desert. Everyone came and congratulated us. Made it that much more special. I think the happiness was radiating.

 

We came home to give Everett a good long nap to prepare for the big party and relax.  

 

I will write more about the party tomorrow. I am bushed right now ūüôā But it was perfect! Everett loved it. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect evening.

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Trying not to get too excited…but its impossible

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 14, 2008

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!! And if that weren’t enough I got a call about a baby girl. I have been crying all day long realizing we are really going to adopt him tomorrow-happy excited tears. I am ecstatic, I feel like cheering, then I feel like crying, then I am smiling from ear to ear. Its hard to describe. I feel like I can breath. I haven’t felt this way in years, I feel “normal” well aside from the happy joyful hysteria!:) I didn’t realize until now how hard it has been. I am beyond thankful.

 

Sooooooooo I got a call today. I found out about baby girl mentioned last week. I was on the phone for a solid hour as the SW explained¬†mom’s background, what little they knew about¬†bio dad, and about a tiny biracial baby girl born October 15th. I got more information then I have had on any of our foster children combined. A detailed family history. A mother ravaged by addictions. No alcohol use…that was said over and over and over again but also stated that she could be withholding information.¬†Also stated that¬†we can’t¬†fully trust this history mom has painted. Mom has issues, realizes she isn’t in a good place to parent now and she wants what is best for her baby. She is going back and forth on an adoption plan but as SW said due to her many issues they do not feel she has a choice. Its either foster care or adoption and mom doesnt’ want her baby¬†in foster care. So……..they are going to submit profiles for mom to look at.

 

I know I’m getting ahead of myself-I think this just might be Emma.¬†I had a feeling early October that she was on her way and then I didn’t feel her around anymore, I thought…she must have been born. Then last week that entire week I knew she needed to, this is so hard to put to words, the best way to express it is “come home.” She needed us and felt I would hear about her soon, and I did, and then this week I learned more. All along I have felt she would be “tiny” infact that is exactly what I thought they would describe her as to me when they called. I didn’t think she would be premature but I wasn’t sure what it meant. I heard her described as “tiny” over and over again…my radar on full force. I need to act like we’re thinking this through so I won’t say anything until Monday, as if I had time to!!! But then we will ask for our profile to be shown to mom. Oh and so far she is healthy and growing.

 

 

I don’t want to sound overjoyed at what has to be impossibly hard for this mom.¬† This is sad, this is hard. This is not how it should be.¬†But I am excited at the possibility that we may have found the little girl who will¬†bless our family-the little girl who I have loved and knew would come. We have been instructed to talk with our Pediatrician, attorney, and homestudy SW. If we are okay with everything we will be one of the families she will look at to adopt her baby girl.

 

I’ll update more as I find out.

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How to pass the time!?

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 9, 2008

So I do have a million things to do and I do have an adoption next week and I have been crying like a baby every time I think about how amazing it is. I sent out Everett’s announcements and party invites last week. Today at church I had person after person come up to me and tell me congratulations, so of course I was a mess today. Its amazing to me. I think Friday may be somewhat anticlimatic, but just this feeling of no longer holding my breath. I didn’t realize how hard it has been until now. I’m just starting to be “me” again, Happy smile, no stress, no longer waiting for somebody to come and take my son away from me. Its been a long almost 2 years of knowing with all of my heart this is my son but at the same time knowing at any time he could leave. Then to remember when his family re-discovered him, his alleged father coming forward. Knowing how easy it would be for him to leave. I had faith he would stay but there was a fear, and this is not discredit birth parents, I knew the criminal history of the man who stepped forward, it was not good. I also knew that it may not matter….he could go¬†back into that dysfunction again.¬†It was hard. Harder then I even let myself feel. Its just now that I feel releif.¬†So I find myself crying tears of joy,¬†I am so thankful.

 

 

As of Sunday 3:33 PM I DO NOT have the homestudy YET and its driving me crazy crazy crazy-I was told I would have a rough draft in my email this weekend, please I’m hoping tonight. I can’t do anything¬†about it. Nothing I can do……….so frustrating. On Monday they want to start looking¬†to see if the baby¬†I was told aobut is a good match for us, USING our homestudy.¬†I know it will all work out. But I’m me-this is hard. I like to micro manage everything.¬†To get through the stress of waiting I let myself find an old guilty pleasure-a good book and I’m dying to dish. I’ve told all my friends…have been holding out because this is about adoption and not books but oh well can’t stand it anymore.

A few weeks ago a¬†good friend of mine told me about this series of books:Twilight series. I noticed that my mom had the series this summer while I was visiting and looking for something to read-because it was vacation. I saw they were about vampires and I was totally turned of. I have to admit something. I haven’t given myself the indulgence of reading for a long time. I am one of those people who will let the house fall down around them obsorbed completely in a book. When you are a mom its impossible to do that.¬†I try, really I try, I¬†say¬†2 chapters then I’m done but I¬†don’t have self control. Must confess 10 chapters into the first book and¬†I am hopelessly addicted to the series. I could read them over and over again, and have.¬†I have read the first 2 twice and all 4 of the series, most of the 3rd book again and the 4th am reading it again-I’m sick. I realized something, I need to read more, it centers me in a way I forgot, it took away my need for eating bad foods, or I think it did. This week I have been so good. I have¬†wondered what¬†made me eat so much junk food, and maybe I’m¬†crazy or something, but I cut out reading about the same time I started eating…..addiction transfer :). ¬†So I’m going to start reading again. But this time I have to give myself some control. I”m giving myself 10 chapters a day and I need to give up the Twilight series before I go insane…..because I can’t put them¬†down.¬†¬†I know they are written for teenage girls, or are they-anyway what does that say about me? At least they are in that section of the bookstore. The author shares my faith which is not part of her book at all, well I think¬†it is but not intetionally, or at least I dont’ think it was, maybe because that is how she see’s the world.¬†I’m so not good at explaining this kind of stuff¬†but the idea that you have a choice, that no matter what your temptations are you are strong enough not to give in to your greatest weakness/cravings, that you can be with someone forever, those sort of “values”. I love it. There is so much more I adore about these books! Great way to pass this time…….waiting.

 

One day the wait is okay the next I’m obessesed with getting that homestudy in my hands, its frustrating feeling there is this baby girl waiting for us, she shouldn’t have to wait a day longer then she needs to. Taking deep breaths, one day at a time. Today is one of those frustrating days.

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I called, there is a baby…

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 7, 2008

I called to talk to our worker about something random. She mentioned that there is a baby she has in mind for us. That is all I know. Actually there is a “batch” of babies. However, our agency SW feels there is a baby who would be a good match for us-she didn’t want to say anymore before she had our homestudy.¬†I mentioned that the homestudy SW will be emailing me a rough draft for me to make corrections if needed this weekend. She asked me to forward that to her with any corrections and she will use that until she has the official homestudy. She also said that all of our background/criminal paperwork had come back.

 

I overnighted our profile book and she will have it in her hands today. Amazing. I don’t know anything at all about this “baby” she mentioned. I dont’ know age, race, boy/girl, NOTHING….so we’ll see. But somewhere in my heart, no deeper then that,¬†I¬†feel this is Emma. I don’t think its a wishful thinking, or wanting so much that I have turned the situation¬†into what I want. I don’t have that, oh I can’t explain the words, desperate feeling that I will take any baby that comes our way. I had that before-this is a feeling of peace.¬†I know it¬†will work out exactly how it is supposed to. I’m sure I could be wrong, and I won’t be disapointed if I am…so maybe I shouldn’t write this, but I do feel either this is her or she is being born now, or something big is happening NOW.¬†I expect to hear some big news as early as Monday next week. I will keep this as updated as I can. Next week is also our adoption finalization day!!! Could it be more perfect then this?
Lorie-yes our Thanskgiving babies!!! Your baby is on her way-but of course you know that. I am almost as excited for you as I am for me! So when are we going to get together? Any meetings in NY? I have a feeling our kiddoes are destined to meet.

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Am I the ONLY one sobbing over this?

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 5, 2008

I woke up this morning, having decided NOT to watch the news all night having a fairly good idea who would be our next President and not wanting to hear one more political commentor-possibly ever! What I wasnt prepared for was the rush of emotions that flooded me when in the early morning I went out to get the paper. Maybe it was the lack of sleep but seeing the headlines, and seeing Obama on the front page. Instantly I thought of all the people who thought this day woult never come in their life times. I thought of my son, that I can tell him, see you can be anything you want to be. We have a long way to go but this was certainly one of the most pivotal moments in our history as a country.

 

I have news to report. Not that kind of news yet silly. Its my mommy radar/intuition/whatever it is! Absolutely driving me crazy. I did not sleep for one minute last night and I was tired, very tired and tried to-layed down to at least take a nap today and NO SLEEP. I’m almost 24 hours on¬†no sleep and¬†feel fine. Its pure adrenaline, this feeling is something very new to me. I don’t think I’m going insane :)-well not yet give me a little more sleep deprevation.¬†It is a¬†feeling that I have a daughter who needs me, now. That she is here, that I need to find her. This sense of rush/urgency will you began on Monday but not as intense-woke up knowing I needed to pray. I prayed and fasted all day long…something we beleive in. I asked dh to do the same. He sensed the urgency. It was with me on Tuesday-this feeling, get it done, get it all done fast, she is coming.¬†Tomorrow we finish the odds and ends of our homestudy, via the phone, she is planning to email me her finished copy. Homestudy SW will have it out by next week-as promised to me today on the phone. I am finishing the final touches on our profile book and will be sending that out Friday.

I know it sounds crazy. But I don’t think I’m wrong. It hurts to not be able to hold her right now, I keep¬†praying¬†that she gets the loving nurturing care she needs, other then that longing to be there for her what is left is a sweet feeling of peace. I know that it will be okay and little Emma will be home soon.

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Profile book overload…

Posted by footstepsonmyheart on November 1, 2008

When you become¬†a mom there must be an unwritten rule¬†that at that point in your life you are the one taking pictures consequently there are no pictures of your existence in your family unless its a stuffy formal family picture.. Our profile book is not coming along well. I have tons of pictures with me as a skinny younger self……but that person won’t be recognized by the birth mom who we will hopefully meet. She will think dh brought a different women with him.

 

I needed to take a break. I’m trying to get this done by Monday. I will have dh take some pictures of me doing stuff with the kids this weekend, try not to look too fake/posed and hopefully it will all come together nicely.

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